Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’m hear today selling embarrassing stories for money. Well not selling exactly, just giving them out for free really, so it’s your lucky day. I know you’ve missed me, so sit back, relax and enjoy the show.
First let me apologize for being a slacker recently, or maybe I’ve just lost my lucky charm. Mostly just laziness though I would say has kept me from posting recently, so with the end of summer I will be stepping it up, bringing you stories for distraction and procrastination far more regularly. At least that’s the plan.
Let’s dive right in, shall we? It’s Saturday night and I’m having a drink by myself. Not in the lonely, I have no friends, no money, am depressed, and might jump off a bridge in a second, sort of way, rather more of the people watching/enjoying a drink kind of way. I haven’t been sitting for very long when a guy down the bar from me comes over (right after the girl he was with went to the bathroom I might add) and without any sort of introduction asked, “Excuse me, you’re not an actor are you?” First of all, I would be an actress, let’s be clear about that and second of all, no, I definitely am not. This didn’t seem to perturb the man very much and he continued by saying, “There’s an episode of How I Met Your Mother,” (which I’ve never seen by the way, so when he started describing characters to me, I was basically just doing the nod and smile type of thing) “in which the big guy, you know, I can’t remember his name, but you know who I’m talking about” (cue smile and nod) “Anyway, he breaks up with his girl for a little bit and the only other girl he dates, you look like her.” Oh good, I look like the girl from one episode who banged the fat guy, thanks a lot. After he had apparently gotten that off of his chest, he went back to his seat before the girl he was with even knew he was gone. Sneaky.
I continued sitting by myself sipping my drink and enjoying the scene around me. There was that one table of way too many boys together at the bar who were unable to recognize that they were indoors (as I tell the kids I babysit, indoor voices. However I don’t know how well it would have gone over to go up to a group of [semi] grown drunk men and tell them to use their indoor voices) and kept yelling and hollering at outrageous volume levels. Lucky for me, the next guy who approached was from that table, so you knew he was a keeper. He came over and stood next to me while ordering a drink and the first thing he said was, “I saw you sneeze and wanted to tell you bless you.” Well that’s only a little bit creepy. It was easily over five minutes since I had sneezed and the fact that he was watching me, remembered that it happened and then wanted to tell me he saw, yeah I’d put that in the extremely creepy category. Boys, just a word of advice, maybe not the ideal pick up scenario. I politely thanked him and he introduced himself and started talking. However I got a break from him when he tried to pay but didn’t actually give the bartender his card but was convinced that he had. Made the bartender look all over for the card until he finally asked “Are you sure you gave me a card?” and low and behold, douche boy takes out his wallet, opens it and voila! There’s the missing card. After that all got sorted out (I watched all of this happen, trying to control the pained look on my face) and naturally after he had actually paid, he turned back to me and picked up as if nothing had happened. He chatted until his friends started hollering for him to bring them their beers which he had just bought, he invited me over to their table and I nodded politely and stayed firmly sitting in my chair at the bar.
Next I had a guy come ask me if I wanted to play pool with him. He said they were playing doubles and he needed a partner. It sounded fun but I warned him I was a terrible player and he told me that the other two players were also terrible. Perfect. I went to join the game. The other two players were not so much terrible as they were just really really drunk. Best was when one of the players took the pool queue from his friends and asked if they were stripes or solids. The friend answered stripes and the guy replied asking “Still?” Yeah I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. You stick with the same balls all game long. It was his second turn. The guy whose team I was playing on was nice enough, friendly and not obnoxious which is always a plus. However when he heard I was from Bushwick, he started telling me about all the shootings that had been happening in that area within the last several weeks. Thank you sir, that is exactly what I want to be hearing when I’m out at night and have to go home by myself, late at night. How unsafe my neighborhood is. Thanks so much. Needless to say after the game ended, I very politely excused myself and exited that bar for the night.
A different evening I was out with my roommate. We met for happy hour drinks at a popular lower east side spot. We’d been there for a few drinks already when a guy approached my roommate and started talking. He introduced himself as Steven and was quite nice, funny, attractive and intelligent which is harder to come by then you might think sometimes. He and my roommate were talking away, they were including me (thoughtful but really not necessary), however I could barely hear any of what the guy was saying from the other side of my roommate so there was a lot of the smile and nod thing happening (you might notice that being a trend, for me). Finally he realized that I had no idea what he was saying half the time and came to stand in between us, where we could all hear everything and were all having a great time. He stayed for a few drinks and then out of the blue he goes, “You have a good night ladies.” and peaces the fuck out. Byeeeeee. My roommate and I looked at each other, each as confused as the other. However, we let it go and continued socializing with each other. However no more the 20 minutes later Steven came back to the bar, I saw him go into the bathroom. Next he came and ordered a drink from the bar a few people down from us, then went to the other end of the bar and sat down. My roommate and I tried to figure out what had happened but neither of us had a clue how we could have offended him or whatever. Twenty minutes later, he was back talking to us as if nothing had happened and stayed til the end of the night. Still haven’t figured that one out. However as we were saying goodbye outside of the bar, instead of asking either of us for our number he said, “We’ll leave it to fate, if we see each other again.” Maybe he was just a little bit eccentric, which kind of explained his mood swing style behavior, I guess. Anyway, our bartender that night was a real winner, and by winner I mean the reason why many people think girls are dumb. She embodied so many terrible qualities. A regular approached the bar to order a drink and apparently knew that she had been on vacation and asked her how it was.
“Did you have a good trip?” the regular asked.
“Yes, amazing thank you for asking.” replied the bartender.
“What’d you do and see?”
“Partied a lot, made out with a lot of boys.”
“Greek boys?” asked the regular. (First of all you were in Greece, my all time favorite place and all you did was party and make out with boys. Shame on you. Also what the fuck is wrong with you?)
“All kinds” was the bartenders response.
Class act right there. And I often wonder why women often aren’t respected. Then I hear a conversation like that and it all becomes clear. And then I want to vomit.
The same evening I had many different suiters. Every time I was left at the bar by myself for a few minutes someone new would approach without fail. Most of them were average, nice enough that I couldn’t send away without feeling like a heartless bitch, so I’d pay my dues and then my roommate would come back and save me. There was however one towards the end who’s parting line was, “Do you have my number yet or what?” Um, no sir I do not. I don’t want it and you haven’t forced me to take it yet. He smoothly whipped out his business card (classy, not), circled his number (thanks, I’m definitely too dumb to find it myself), handed it to me and walked out. I, in turn, waited for him to walk out the door and promptly dropped his card in the container for a chance to win a free hour of open bar. Your welcome, sir.
I believe folks that that’s it for the night. I hope that you have enjoyed the show had at least a few laughs. Don’t despair, I’ll be back soon with act two of the performance. And remember tell your friends and tell the world.
Hill and Oates: Private Eyes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCiPkazVzFA